Wednesday, December 28, 2011


This was the first ultrasound of our baby girl. This is the only good picture she's given us the entire pregnancy. Others just show her hand covering her face. It's crazy to think that I'm going to be a Mommy of not just one but two kids now. One boy & one girl.... this will be the last baby though.
It's kind of sad to think that this will be my last pregnancy, because I'm having my tubes tied. The last time I'll experience morning sickness, the last time I'll feel the brutal kick on my bladder that almost makes me wet my pants. The last time I'll feel her hiccups, annoying hiccups. lol
I've been blessed w/such a good little boy, he's the reason I wanted another baby. He has his moments, but he's the light of my day, the reason I get out of bed every morning (aside from having to pee lol). I'm kind of scared that she wont be as well behaved as he is. This pregnancy has been a brutal one, I've been sick every single day. I was ready for her to come out & join us before my 2nd trimester was over with! lol
I kind of feel like I did when I was pregnant w/my son; I'm so ready for the next part of our journey to start; but I'm so scared at the same time. Am I really going to be able to handle it all? How am I going to manage giving my love to not just one child anymore but two?! And giving it equally out, and to where child number one doesn't feel like his attention is being taken from him? I don't want him to feel like I love him any less, and he's so young, will he understand?
I plan on including him in activities, such as feeding & little things like that.

Monday, June 27, 2011

It's nice to know that there's someone else out there that's got the same "issues" as I do. For years my Mother always said--go to a group...there ARE others out there like you. But, looking around...I didn't see the same thing. It was never easy talking about my feelings. I think maybe it's easier now because I'm much older. I think it's even easier typing it. My voice still cracks when I speak about it... I still tear up & get shaky. It was ages ago...and it still cuts me deep like it was yesterday. I think I'm more open to it now then I ever was. I don't know what's changed.
I was telling my friend...that I think when someone comes into your life like that...and blasts a hole in your life like that...you never truly heal. Maybe it just gets easier to deal with & think about. But, you never truly heal. I know I block people out of my life ..and I know the reasons I do. I know I push people away that have always been here for me. It's hard for me to admit but I do it. That's all I have to say for now. I've been thinking about this person for a while lately. That's it. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

So as many of you already know...I'm pregnant again! We were trying & trying & trying ...and no luck. I for a spit second thought that I couldn't have anymore...that God was punishing me. And I didn't understand why....I know I'm not perfect, I know I've screwed up a lot in my life...and I know I will screw up a lot more in my life...but the love that I have to offer my son; I just wanted to share that with another child. I was pretty beat up, I was taking all the extra measures to get pregnant. And still nothing. I was pretty upset with God...asking him what did I do to not deserve another baby....why do YOU give people who YOU know will only beat up & abuse their children...MORE CHILDREN...but someone like me...who will show nothing but love & devotion, YOU wont give me another baby?! Then, I talked to my Mom, who is always so wise, and she told me God didn't hate me....I would get pregnant again...but my baby's soul was being made & I had to wait for MY baby to reach out to me. Then, a few weeks later she asks me out of the blue "are you pregnant" And I said "NO" ....just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. One test said positive...sort of...and the next said negative. Then, a couple days later I took another one & it also said negative. About 2weeks after that, I missed my monthly thing ...and decided to take another test...a low & behold ....there it was...two lines....You are PREGNANT! I was giddy ...like a school girl who had her 1st crush ever... of course I'm much older! lol I couldn't believe it....so I took 3more tests....and it was right there...YOU ARE PREGNANT! So, I'm 8weeks & 6days along....this has by far been worse then my last pregnancy! I wasn't even THIS sick w/monkey until I was almost 11wks pregnant! And the "morning" sickness started at 5weeks this time around! My hormones are raging, I'm craving all sorts of foods...nothing too crazy yet! lol Thank goodness! lol
But, something also changed....back when I had Monkey...I was for sure that I did NOT want a girl.  Maybe it was because of what I went threw growing up....I'm not sure...but I did NOT want one. But, I find myself looking at girl stuff....little bows & berets & foo fooy dresses...pink this, pink that....I'm at the point where I'm WISHING for a girl! And I'm not sure what it is that changed...if it's somehow closure....or what. I know I'll be VERY protective over her...I know a lot more then what I am with Monkey....just because of what I went threw. And I can't help that. But, I'm very excited ...I'm over being nauseated & throwing up every time I get in the car...or get up to go to the bathroom....but I'm ready! If this is the "price" I have to pay...then I'm more than happy to do it! I just can't wait until Dday! That's when we are going to find out the sex of our baby! I want it to be a surprise! :D

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I know this feeling. I've had it before You were the only one "special" enough to make me feel this way.
My stomach hurts, I feel like I'm holding my breath. I'm uneasy... waiting for something to happen. I'm seeing things...not like hallucinating...memories. I'm on my best behavior ... but understand I'm still not scared of you. You might be able to upset my body....but I am much stronger then you ever gave me credit for.
You don't scare me.... they are watching over & protecting us. And you know who 'they' are.
Just like when you came to visit me in my dreams. Even when you stopped my breathing & held me down; I fought you ... I pushed you away... you put all your might into holding me down....just then your head is next to my mouth & I whispered: I'm NOT SCARED OF YOU. Go AWAY! I knew who you were....even with your hood covering your face. I knew who you were!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Photo Friday 2.11.11... I know it's really 2.12.11 but oh well! deal! lol

This is my sons' binky, while he was playing I decided to grab my camera & snap a few pictures of him & just goofing off I took a few of his binky as well. I just wish I could figure out what that black mass is to the right of it. Whatever it is, is blocking out the light. Hopefully, it's just one of God's angels watching over my Monkey.
Photo Friday::
I got this idea from a fellow blogger & thought what a great idea it was!!!
http://brassyapple.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-photo-fridaylunch-date.html

5 question friday! oh yeah!

Rules for 5QF: Copy and paste the following questions to your blog post, answer them, then watch for the linky to appear Friday morning! And make sure you have fun!

Questions for Friday, February 11th: (Special thanks to Sandy, Rachel, Pam, Rene, and Colleen for their question suggestions! If you would like to be linked in a future 5QF, c'mon over to my community and offer up your best question suggestions! Feel free to shout 'em out on Twitter, too, if you'd like! Hashtag, #5QF, and @5crookedhalos me! [i.e What's your favorite color? #5QF @5crookedhalos])

1. Would you rather be on ABC's Extreme Home MakeOver or TLC's What not to Wear?
Well, I don't really need the EHM but I would love to help out on that sort of thing! I would LOVE to go onto TLC's What NOT to Wear! lol...and that is because I DO need a whole new wardrobe! I need to relearn what to wear & what to NOT wear!

2. Do you have any tattoos?
No. I've always thought of getting a tattoo here & there; but I've never been brave enough to actually go threw with it. And I'm not too sure if I ever will to be honest with you.

3. Do you tell your kids about things you did growing up?
Well, my son will be 1yrs old on Monday (Valentine's Day), so at this point in time I do ramble off about weird things to him & he babbles back or just laughs at me. But, I think when the time does come, I hope that I'm as honest as I can be with my children. I think that the more honest & open you are with your children the more they're willing to be open & honest with you. If you pretend that you're a 'goody two-shoes' then they're going to be afraid to confide in you. I just hope when the day comes, I can be honest & open with my son. There's a few things that should be left alone until they are old enough to understand.

4. If the traffic signal turns yellow, do you stop or speed up?
Well, it depends on the weather, traffic & my mood. Lately, I've stopped. I guess the whole having your baby in the backseat has got me being more careful. I'm not a ranting lunatic on the road anymore. Well, not nearly as much as I used to be! lol The only time I have mega outbursts is when you put my sons' life in danger, then I'm a ranting lunatic! lol
And plus, with all those red light camera's being put everywhere, I'd rather not take any chances. Not worth the ticket!

5. What's your preference: chocolate or chips? 
Hmm ... when I read this at first I read: chocolate chips...then of course I had to re-read the entire question over again. LOL 
Again, depends on my mood, if I'm in a salty mood then chips (which we rarely have chips to begin with!) if I'm in a sweet mood then chocolate. But yes, I do love chocolate chips too!!! ;o)