Monday, June 27, 2011

It's nice to know that there's someone else out there that's got the same "issues" as I do. For years my Mother always said--go to a group...there ARE others out there like you. But, looking around...I didn't see the same thing. It was never easy talking about my feelings. I think maybe it's easier now because I'm much older. I think it's even easier typing it. My voice still cracks when I speak about it... I still tear up & get shaky. It was ages ago...and it still cuts me deep like it was yesterday. I think I'm more open to it now then I ever was. I don't know what's changed.
I was telling my friend...that I think when someone comes into your life like that...and blasts a hole in your life like never truly heal. Maybe it just gets easier to deal with & think about. But, you never truly heal. I know I block people out of my life ..and I know the reasons I do. I know I push people away that have always been here for me. It's hard for me to admit but I do it. That's all I have to say for now. I've been thinking about this person for a while lately. That's it. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

So as many of you already know...I'm pregnant again! We were trying & trying & trying ...and no luck. I for a spit second thought that I couldn't have anymore...that God was punishing me. And I didn't understand why....I know I'm not perfect, I know I've screwed up a lot in my life...and I know I will screw up a lot more in my life...but the love that I have to offer my son; I just wanted to share that with another child. I was pretty beat up, I was taking all the extra measures to get pregnant. And still nothing. I was pretty upset with God...asking him what did I do to not deserve another baby....why do YOU give people who YOU know will only beat up & abuse their children...MORE CHILDREN...but someone like me...who will show nothing but love & devotion, YOU wont give me another baby?! Then, I talked to my Mom, who is always so wise, and she told me God didn't hate me....I would get pregnant again...but my baby's soul was being made & I had to wait for MY baby to reach out to me. Then, a few weeks later she asks me out of the blue "are you pregnant" And I said "NO" ....just to be sure I took a pregnancy test. One test said positive...sort of...and the next said negative. Then, a couple days later I took another one & it also said negative. About 2weeks after that, I missed my monthly thing ...and decided to take another test...a low & behold ....there it was...two lines....You are PREGNANT! I was giddy a school girl who had her 1st crush ever... of course I'm much older! lol I couldn't believe I took 3more tests....and it was right there...YOU ARE PREGNANT! So, I'm 8weeks & 6days along....this has by far been worse then my last pregnancy! I wasn't even THIS sick w/monkey until I was almost 11wks pregnant! And the "morning" sickness started at 5weeks this time around! My hormones are raging, I'm craving all sorts of foods...nothing too crazy yet! lol Thank goodness! lol
But, something also changed....back when I had Monkey...I was for sure that I did NOT want a girl.  Maybe it was because of what I went threw growing up....I'm not sure...but I did NOT want one. But, I find myself looking at girl stuff....little bows & berets & foo fooy this, pink that....I'm at the point where I'm WISHING for a girl! And I'm not sure what it is that changed...if it's somehow closure....or what. I know I'll be VERY protective over her...I know a lot more then what I am with Monkey....just because of what I went threw. And I can't help that. But, I'm very excited ...I'm over being nauseated & throwing up every time I get in the car...or get up to go to the bathroom....but I'm ready! If this is the "price" I have to pay...then I'm more than happy to do it! I just can't wait until Dday! That's when we are going to find out the sex of our baby! I want it to be a surprise! :D